Rather Feel Pain
by Kyra5972
Summary: They'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Sam/Connor Slash. First in the 'One-X' Series


**Title:** Rather Feel Pain

**Author:** Kyra

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, I don't own it! If I did, I probably wouldn't be writing fanfiction. The song used is 'Pain' by Three Days Grace.

**Summary:** They'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Sam/Connor Slash.

**Pairing:** Sam/Connor

**Spoilers:** Spn – Through the end of Season 3. AtS – Up through Season 5's 'Origins'.

**Warnings:** **SLASH!!!!!!** If you don't like it, don't read it. **VERY** explicit rough sex.

**A/N:** This is the first story in a series of darker-themed stories that TouchoftheWind and I are going to be writing. We have decided to try and write a one-shot story to every song on the Three Days Grace CD 'One-X'. The stories won't be connected in any way other than the fact that they are all done to a song on the 'One-X' CD.

**A/N2:** K, I wrote this a while back and posted it over on TtH, but never posted it here cos its pretty explicit. But I finally decided to say 'screw it' and go ahead an post here anyway. *crosses fingers* Hopefully I don't get in trouble for this.... Though, I have seen some pretty explicit fics on FFN, this really isn't the worst I've seen on the site.

**ConnorSamConnorSamConnorSamConnorSam**

Connor walked into the club and paused taking in the flashing lights, loud music, thudding bass, pulsing beats and writhing bodies. He glanced at the bar for a moment, debating trying to get a drink but decided that the chances of the bartender actually giving him alcohol were pretty slim; he was only nineteen, nearly twenty, and didn't have a fake ID. Technically, he shouldn't even be in the club, but he had managed to sneak past the bouncer.

He made his way onto the dance floor and closed his eyes, shutting out the world and losing himself in the music, trying to forget just how much his life had changed over the last few days. First, he had been hit by a van and nothing had happened; he'd just gotten right back up. Then, his parents had brought him here, to L.A., to see if they people at the Wolfram and Hart law firm could figure out what was going on with him. That turned out to be a disaster. Turns out he wasn't really Connor Reilly; he was Connor Angel, bastard son of two vampires. He hadn't grown up in California; instead he'd grown up in a Hell dimension called Quor-toth. His whole life was a lie, put in place by magic because his birth father had wanted to give him a better life; one where he hadn't been kidnapped as a baby and raised in a Hell dimension, where he hadn't killed his daughter, a life where he hadn't gone crazy and tried to kill a bunch of people, where he was normal and happy and didn't remember any of the horrors of his old life. But something must have happened today, because he could remember everything. And he _hated_ it. Hated remembering, hated that his life was a lie. And with the return of his memories came some of the anger that he had held toward the world the last time around. And the Riellys, he couldn't think of them as his parents anymore, had absolutely no idea. So he had decided that he needed to get out, to forget everything, just for a little while and he'd snuck out of the hotel room they were staying in and went looking for a way to forget. At first, he'd planned to find some vamps or demons and lose himself in the mindless violence of beating the hell out of them, but then he'd heard the music from the club and changed his mind.

Connor ignored everything around him as he danced, eyes closed and body moving fluidly to the music. He let the music chase everything away, the thoughts, the memories, the anger, the eyes that he could feel burning into him, everything. He let his anger bleed out in his movements; trying to ignore the strange numbness that he felt, like nothing was real anymore. He could feel the other dancers moving around him, occasionally brushing against him but none of them actually dancing with him.

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain_

_Than nothing at all_

Sam stood at the bar watching the people on the dance floor, not really paying too much attention to them. He was here to get drunk tonight. This wasn't the sort of place he'd normally go to get drunk, but here he was less likely to turn to the side, about to make a comment to Dean only to remember that he wasn't there. The bars like he and Dean used to frequent on Hunts reminded him too much of his now-dead brother. And tonight he just wanted to forget. Maybe find a way to feel something other than the numbness he'd felt since Dean had been dragged down to Hell over two months ago.

He knew Bobby was worried about him but he just couldn't bring himself to care. Ever since Dean died, he couldn't make himself care about much of anything. All he did anymore was search for a way to try and get Dean's soul back out of Hell and Hunt, getting more and more reckless on the job. The one thing he'd found that had been able to break through the numbness was pain and over the last few weeks he'd been letting the ghosts beat the shit out of him more and more before finally salting and burning the sons of bitches. It wasn't healthy, this craving for pain that he had developed, and Sam knew it; but the pain was better than the nothing of the numbness that had settled over him since he'd watched his brother die.

One of the dancers caught Sam's eye as he watched. He had shaggy brown hair, looked to just shy of six feet and was probably about nineteen or twenty. He was dancing by himself; others would brush against him occasionally, but the guy seemed to give off a 'leave me the hell alone' vibe and most everybody seemed to notice this, whether it be consciously or subconsciously. It was his grace that caught Sam's attention, though; he moved with a sort of predator's grace, his movements fluid and perfectly in time with the music. He completely threw himself into the music and the dancing, like he was doing his best to forget that the world existed. Sam watched him for a moment longer before chugging down the last of his drink, leaving the glass on the counter and heading out to the dance floor and the gorgeous man that looked like he really wanted to forget. Sure, he was a bit young, but there was something about him that made Sam think he was older than his years.

_You're sick of feeling numb_

_You're not the only one_

_I'll take you by the hand_

_And I'll show you a world_

_That you can understand_

_This life is filled with hurt_

_When happiness doesn't work_

_Trust me and take my hand_

_When the lights go out_

_You'll understand_

Sam swiftly made his way across the dance floor to the younger man. Once there, he moved up in front of him and placed his hand on the smaller man's hips, pulling him close and moving his own body in time with the other man's.

Piercing blue eyes flew open the instant Sam pulled his new dance partner close. There was a slight look of surprise and confusion in those eyes, but Sam barely noticed; instead he saw the same need to escape, the same need to _forget_ that he was sure was reflected in his own hazel gaze. He just pulled the other man closer and leaned down so that his lips brushed his ear as he raised his voice slightly to be heard over the music, "I'll help you forget." He pulled back to meet the blue eyes once more and after a slight hesitation the younger man nodded before closing his eyes again and once more losing himself in the music, and this time in Sam as well.

Sam closed his eyes as well, moving his body against the other man's and let all the thoughts and all the memories of Dean slip away, ignoring everything except the teen dancing against him.

Connor's eyes had flown open the second that he felt someone start dancing with him. He had been slightly surprised and a bit confused to see another man dancing with him. The man was tall, probably six foot four, and had messy brown hair about the same length as his own and haunted hazel eyes. His eyes seemed to reflect everything Connor was feeling at the moment, or rather, _not_ feeling as he was nearly completely numb. Then the other man had leaned down to speak in his ear and Connor realized that the man was feeling the same need to forget that he was. Connor simply nodded once they made eye contact again before closing his eyes and letting himself get lost in the music again.

Connor's eyes shot open once more as the taller man pulled him closer, digging his fingers into Connor's hips as he did so, causing a slight flash of pain that made Connor hiss and his body press closer to the taller form on its own. His eyes were slightly wide with the surprise of his reaction to the pain; he'd been hurt many times before but he couldn't ever remember it having this effect. His eyes met the haunted hazel looking down on him as the other man dug his fingers into his hips yet again causing the same flash of pain and Connor felt himself start to harden in his jeans.

Sam opened his eyes and watched the younger man as he pulled him closer, digging his fingers into hips to the point of pain. The blue eyes flew open again, surprise once more evident, as well as pleasure, and the slim body before him arched closer into his own. He dug his fingers in again, still moving against the smaller man. Sam leaned back down to his ear, "You feel numb, don't you? The pain is one of the very few things that manage to break through it. And you know you shouldn't but you start to crave the pain, start to need it. Because the pain is better than the nothing of the numbness. You can revel in the pain and it helps you to forget."

Connor moaned as he felt the taller man dig his fingers in again, deeper and harder before. He was right. The pain was better than the numbness. And it hurt but it felt _good_. Connor moved his hands up to the other man's shoulders, digging his own fingers in and shivering as he heard the other man's moan right next to his ear. He turned his head slightly so that it was his lips brushing an ear this time, "Help me forget," He paused for a second, "I'm Connor, by the way." He quickly nipped at the older man's earlobe before starting to pulled back only to have the taller man turn his head back and nip him sharply on the jaw before moving back up to his ear.

"I'm Sam," He said. "Wanna get out of here?" Sam pulled back and looked into the blue eyes once more.

Connor nodded, not bothering with a verbal reply as he turned toward the door, grabbing Sam's hand and tugging him behind him. A couple moments later and they were outside and Connor looked to Sam for directions, there was no way they could go back to his hotel, not with the Reillys there. Sam tilted his head to the right and started off down the sidewalk, pulling Connor after him.

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain_

_Than nothing at all_

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain_

_Than nothing at all_

Two blocks down, they were passing an alley when Sam abruptly stopped and whirled Connor around, shoving him against the alley wall. Connor let out a hiss at the pain that turned to a moan as Sam captured his mouth in a bruising kiss; it was all lips and teeth and tongue, especially teeth. Sam had Connor's upper arms in a bruising grip, holding him against the wall and Connor's hands reached out to pull the taller man closer to him, pressing their hips tightly together.

A few minutes later, Sam ripped his mouth away, both of them panting for air. "C'mon," He gasped, grabbing Connor's hand again and tugging him back to the sidewalk and further down the street.

It didn't take much longer for them to make it back to Sam's motel and it was only a matter of seconds before Sam had the door unlocked and open. As soon as they were inside, Connor turned and shoved Sam against the wall next to the door, pulling him down and kissing him roughly as he ground his hips against Sam's.

Sam bucked slightly beneath the slighter man and brought his arms up and tangled his hands in Connor's hair, kissing him back just as roughly for a moment before yanking harshly on his hair, pulling their mouths apart and kissing his way down Connor's neck as he spun the two of them around so that Connor was the one pressed against the wall now. He heard Connor moan in a mix of pain and pleasure and bit down on his neck, listening as the moan turned into a gasp.

Connor gasped as he felt Sam bite his neck and his body stiffened slightly as the image of Angel in his vampire visage flashed in front of his eyes before he moved his hands up to grab a handful of Sam's hair and jerked his mouth away from his throat. "No biting my neck," He growled out, "Anywhere else is fine, but I have this thing about people biting my neck."

Sam stared at him for a second before nodding and Connor let go of the hair in his fist, moaning again as he felt Sam's hands slip down his body to the hem of his shirt, then under it and up of his abs to his chest and shoulders, taking his shirt with. Seconds later and his shirt was somewhere on the other side of the room. Sam's head ducked down to Connor's chest and he felt the sharp sting of Sam's teeth. Connor glanced up around the room quickly, getting the layout before he planted his hands on Sam's shoulders and shoved him away from him and toward the bed.

Sam stumbled back a bit before his legs hit the bed and he went sprawling backward onto it. He watched, his eyes darkening with desire as Connor stalked toward him from the door, looking every inch the predator. As soon as he was close enough, Sam reached out and grabbed Connor by the waist and dragged him down onto the bed next to him before rolling over on top of him. He slammed his mouth down onto Connor's, hands once more tangling in Connor's hair.

Connor slid his hands up the back of Sam's shirt, all the way up to his shoulders, before raking his blunt nails down the taller man's back, making him moan into their kiss and grind his hips down into Connor's own. Connor could feel Sam's hard erection rub against his own through the denim of their jeans and suddenly all he wanted was for their clothes to be gone. Now. He reached down and grabbed the hem of Sam's shirt, pulling it up and off, forcing Sam to break the kiss.

As soon as Sam's shirt was off Connor flipped them back over so that he was straddling the older man. Settling his weight on his knees and across Sam's hips, he started to rock their erections together, drawing a moan from both of them. He leaned down and licked and kissed his way down Sam's neck, stopping to suck harshly in a few places. When he got to Sam's shoulder he bit down harshly, nearly hard enough to draw blood but not quite.

Sam gasped in pleasure as Connor bit down on his collar bone and moved his hands up to clutch at Connor's hips, stopping their movements. Once their hips had stilled, he quickly went to work on the buttons and zips on both of their pants, getting them undone in seconds. As soon as they were undone he reached up and grabbed a handful of Connor's hair again and pulled him back up to his mouth for another brutal kiss.

_Anger and agony_

_Are better than misery_

_Trust me, I've got a plan_

_When the lights go up_

_You'll understand_

Connor lifted up off of Sam as they kissed and pushed the other man's jeans down as far as he could before breaking the kiss and standing up. He reached out and yanked Sam's pants the rest of the way off, tossing them in some random direction and reaching for the waistband of his own pants only to have Sam sit up and beat him there.

Sam reached out and roughly pushed Connor's jeans down and watched him kick them the rest of the way off as he slipped onto his knees on the floor next to the bed in front of Connor. He grasped Connor's hips harshly and shoved him against the nearby wall, just a few steps behind the younger man, and held him there with the bruising grip he had on Connor's hips. Then before Connor could react he had ducked his head and swallowed Connor whole.

Connor choked on his gasp as Sam engulfed his entire cock in his hot mouth and began sucking harshly. Connor's hands instinctively tangled into Sam's hair. He tugged sharply and Sam's head started moving up and down his hard shaft.

Sam sucked hard as he pulled his head back until just the tip of Connor's cock was still in his mouth before lowering his head again, lightly grazing his teeth along Connor's sensitive skin and moaning when Connor jerked sharply on his hair once more.

Connor moaned and used his grip on Sam's hair to push the other man's head further down his shaft as he felt teeth graze against him. Pain and pleasure were starting to swirl together in a whirlwind of sensations; the bruising grip Sam had on his hips, the harsh sucking of his mouth and the blunt scrape of teeth over his aching cock.

After a couple of minutes Sam pulled back from Connor, letting his still-hard cock fall from his mouth with a small wet 'pop'. He stood up gracefully and kissed Connor hard on the mouth once more, swallowing Connor's moan. He rubbed his own erection against Connor's; his spit and the pre-cum leaking from both of them making them slip against each other.

Connor shoved Sam away from him again and sent him sprawling onto the bed for the second time. He followed immediately after and quickly attached his mouth to one of Sam's nipples, kissing and sucking at it for a moment before biting down then using his tongue to sooth over the bite. He bit his way down Sam's body, using his hands to hold Sam's hips against the bed. When he reached Sam's straining cock, he lightly blew over it before ignoring it altogether making Sam growl in the back of his throat. Instead, he dropped his mouth to the spot where Sam's hip met his thigh and bit down harshly, dragging a hissing moan from Sam.

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain_

_Than nothing at all_

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain_

_Than nothing_

_Rather feel pain_

Connor moved back up Sam's body let out a moan as Sam reached out and gripped his hips tightly before flipping them over once more. Sam reached over to the bedside table and fumbled with the drawer for a moment before pulling out a condom and a tube of lube. He quickly opened the condom and slid it over his erect cock while he sucked harshly at Connor's throat, barely remembering not to use his teeth there. He squeezed a small amount of lube onto his fingers and rubbed them together for a moment spreading the lube.

Connor let out a gasp as Sam slid the first finger inside of him. He crushed their mouths together as Sam moved his finger in and out of his body. Seconds later a second finger joined the first with a slight burning sensation as he was stretched. Connor pushed against Sam's hand, needing more, needing that burn once more, that pain that chased away the numbness. He got his wish a moment later as Sam added a third finger, the burn slightly stronger this time making Connor moan into Sam's mouth.

Sam moved his fingers in and out of Connor's body, twisting them and scissoring them to stretch the other man a bit in preparation for his cock. He pulled away from the kiss and nipped sharply at Connor's jaw for a few moments before crashing their mouths together again, their teeth clashing hard enough to tear split one of their lips, a small trail of blood smearing over their lips as they continued to kiss.

_I know, I know, I know, I know_

_I know that you're wounded_

_You know, you know, you know, you know_

_That I'm here to save you_

_You know, you know, you know, you know_

_I'm always here for you_

_I know, I know, I know, I know_

_That you'll thank me later_

Connor whimpered in protest as Sam's fingers disappeared only to have it turn into a moan as his fingers were replaced with something much larger and thicker. Connor dug his fingers into Sam's shoulders painfully as Sam slowly entered him; the blunt head of his cock pushing past the tight ring of muscle that Sam had left just barely under-stretched. Connor moaned loudly at the feel of Sam pushing painfully into him, the pain and burning sensation of being stretched blending together into pleasure.

Sam sat back on his heels and moaned as he felt Connor's tight heat surround him. He slid in slowly at first, prolonging the burning pain that he knew Connor was feeling. As soon as he was fully seated he paused for a moment before slowly pulling back out then slamming back into the younger man hard and fast.

Connor let out a yelp as Sam slammed into him. The yelp quickly turned into moans and cries of pleasure-pain as Sam kept up his hard, brutal pace. Connor reached up and pulled Sam back down over him, digging his fingers in and dragging them down Sam's back hard enough to raise welts. He wrapped his legs tightly around Sam's waist and pulled Sam harder into his body, knowing he was gripping hard enough to leave bruises around Sam's waist.

Sam moaned at the vice-like grip Connor's legs had on him and continued slamming as hard as he could into Connor. He moaned louder as he felt Connor's nails rake down his back again. Sam leaned down and bit harshly at Connor's collar bone as his hand slid between them and started pumping Connor's cock in time with his thrusts, hard and fast. Moments later he felt Connor's blunt nails dig into his shoulders hard enough to break the skin and draw blood as the smaller man's body stiffened before jerking with his orgasm; white fluid coating their stomachs and chests.

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain_

_Than nothing at all_

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain_

_Than nothing_

_Rather feel pain_

Connor collapsed against the bed, his legs falling back down to the mattress as his orgasm subsided and he panted for breath. He whimpered as Sam slowed his thrusts before stopping completely and pulling out. He looked up at Sam questioningly, but before he could even open his mouth to ask Sam why he'd stopped Sam had shifted out of the way and gripped Connor's waist tightly and flipped him over onto his stomach.

Sam wrapped an arm securely around Connor's waist and jerked him up onto his hands and knees, once more settling onto his own knees. He quickly thrust back into Connor's body, a moan ripping its way from his throat as he once more set a furious pace, slamming into Connor's body.

Connor locked his arms into place to keep from falling forward onto his face from the force of Sam's thrusts and let his head drop down and hang between his arms with a moan. He clenched his hands into the sheets and he listened to Sam's grunts and moans coming from behind him and pushed back against the taller man.

With one arm still securely around Connor's waist, Sam reached out with the other hand to grab a fistful of Connor's hair and jerk his head back and to the side, exposing his neck. He leaned forward over Connor's back and attached his mouth to Connor's for a brief brutal moment, but the angle was awkward and he quickly moved his mouth to Connor's neck, sucking harshly. He sucked his way over to Connor's shoulder bit down sharply. At Connor's loud yelp Sam pulled back and straightened up once more, letting go of Connor's hair and moving both hands to Connor's hips. He gripped them harshly and used the added leverage to pull Connor harder against his body as he slammed forward driving his cock into Connor's body.

Moments later Sam stiffened and let out a loud yell as he came, spots dancing before his eyes. Connor's arms gave out beneath them and they both crashed to the mattress, Sam on top of Connor and still inside of him. As soon as he'd recovered enough to move Sam rolled off of Connor and quickly removed the condom throwing it away in the trash can next to the bed. He rolled back toward Connor only to find Connor propped up on his side.

As soon as Sam was back on his back Connor leaned over him and smashed their mouths together, tightly fisting Sam's hair. After a moment, he pulled back and flopped onto his back next to Sam as they tried to catch their breaths.

Once he could breathe properly again Connor sat up and glanced around the room until he located all of his clothing before getting up to get dressed. He sat back down on the bed as he pulled on his shoes and when he was done he turned to look back at Sam who had watched silently as he got dressed. "Thanks," He said sincerely, "For helping me forget. If only for a little while. I hope I helped you forget whatever it was you were trying to forget as well."

Sam nodded and watched Connor get up and head toward the door. He watched as Connor hesitated with his hand on the door knob.

Connor opened the door and turned to look back at Sam, "Thanks again, Sam."

Sam nodded in acknowledgement, "You too, Connor."

And with that, Connor stepped outside, the door closing quietly behind him.

_I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all_

_I'd rather feel pain!_

**ConnorSamConnorSamConnorSamConnorSam**

**Well, I don't think it quite turned out the way I planned but I'm still pretty happy with it. I hope you all liked it! Let me know what you think!**

**Anyway, please review and let me know what you think!**

**~ Kyra**


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